magentasky

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have met and known Tawni. I'm sorry.

P.S. Write about Legos.

you're back?!?

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Are you alright? :/

Hi, yeah, I'm back. :\

Yeah, sorry for never replying to that entry of yours, I didn't know how and plus I was feeling a little embarassed. I deleted this for a while cuz I didn't think it would be good having people read my deep random thoughts about what was happening, especially when it really doesn't mean anything. Things just go through and out my head and I kinda use this thing to spill it out. Especially when you know Tawni, I didn't want you to think I was crazy for all I write on here. They really are just random thoughts, overdramatised for effect. I like writing.

But yeah, it hasn't been good the last couple of days. I'm in turmoil and I can't seem to stop having anxiety attacks. I'm going to see a doctor today, but my problems aren't medical. Tawni won't talk to me anymore and she's scared of me apparently, for some rather impulsive things I did out of the moment without really thinking. I don't feel good. But yeah, that's just my life.

How about you? I'm not completely sure what your big decision is about, I'm assuming it's whether to come back to UCSB or not, but I could be wrong. I don't know what's in the balance for you to affect your decision, so I don't want to suggest one way or another.

But I do think many of life's big decisions really aren't as big as they appear. Either way, it'll work out for you; make it and never look back to regret anything. You'll still be here or there, enjoying everyday life's pleasures and that's the most important thing, to enjoy life. So whatever your big decision is, don't stress. I think either way, you'll be okay. Just be happy with whatever you decide.

um, how did you know my decision was about coming back to UCSB? hm. well, you are right on that one. I'm still debating with myself. If I don't come back to UCSB, I'll have to go through a whole year at a community college. Not sure if I'll be able to stand that. There are, of course, other important factors. I agree that this might seem like a huge decision right now, but later on it won't seem like it. It helps when I think of it that way cuz then I know that even if I make the wrong decision right now, it won't ruin my whole life for ever.

Thanks.

Now about Tawni. From what I read in you lj, I can understand why she might a bit afraid of you. But I think the thing she's most scared of is your attachment to her. I'm not saying it's wrong to get attached, but it has to go both ways. You seem to be/have been so much more attached to her than she was to you. That can be scary because I know that she was afraid that she'd do something wrong and make you even more depressed/disappointed (or, even cause you to do something to yourself). She wanted to see you happy and that's why she kept on suggesting the therapy.

shit, my brain just blanked out. I wanted to say something else, too, but I can't remember.
okay, i'll write it when I remember it! haha

You wrote about your decision on an earlier entry. I just added 2+2 and got whatever I just said.

Thanks for your speculation/input. My counselor had another theory but of course, he doesn't know Tawni and you do. I'm just wondering if that's the case, why she wouldn't just tell me things I were do was scaring her. And out of all the things she could have done, her completely blowing me over and not talking to me would have the worst effect on my depression. When I spoked to her, I always reminded her that there was in no way I could have been disappointed in her because her herself being there made me happy. I admit, I still really wanted her as someone special and I tried my best to do what she wanted me to do. Despite all that, I never made any move on her or got so close it would have become uncomfortable, I was in no way a viable threat to her safety. My sole purpose in my relationship with her was to make her happy. I wanted to make it as comfortable for her to be around me so that maybe she'll finally see why I do all that for her. As long as she told me what would make her happy, I would have done it for her.

My camping out was a serious mistake. It was something I took too lightly, kind of like one of those eccentric things you do for someone so that they'll remember you by. Waiting out in the cold while your close friend had to stay overtime at work. She comes back, expecting you to be gone, but then sees you and realises how much you really did care about her to stay all that time. That kind of idealised fantasy. My OCD fueled it since I really needed to know what was going on and and I didn't want to speculate the worst, but I needed an answer. I also wanted to see her ASAP because I hadn't seen her that whole day when I was suposed to that morning.

It's alot of emotions constantly running together; love, passion, anger, hopelessness, hope, impatience, curiosity, jealousy, sadness. I really wish it didn't turn out like that. But I acted impulsively and without taking seriously what I was doing. I really didn't know anything until Tawni's guy friends came over and told me and that was embarassing.

This is basically the same things I told my counselor. As for the whol stalking situation, I am actually pretty upset over that. I can't believe Tawni would not have known me already to know I'm not the kind to ever hurt her and that she'd go to an extreme of calling the cops or getting a restraining order. That I must honeslt say, I am mad about. Maybe she never really cared enough about me to get to know me. I think if that were the case, that'd be the biggest disappointment for me over this one shenanigan.

And as "scary" and weird this will make me sound to you or Tawni or to anyone, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Tawni. She likely feels nothing of the like for me apparently, but I can't imagine me ever losing her very comfortably. I know I can get over her in time, but it'll never be the same for me again. I don't think I'll be able to replace that void she left behind.